I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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