Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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