and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
