I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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