You can't special order awesome
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
