sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
