i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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