how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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