Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
