My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
