You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize