allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
