I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
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I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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