he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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