Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
