You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
