I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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