I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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