theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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