my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
