I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
