OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.