and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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