So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
