Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
