I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
