P.S. I can't hear my feet
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
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Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
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All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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