He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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