He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
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there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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