Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
