his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
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You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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