I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
