i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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