Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
