Soap is not a condiment
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
