I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
