I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
