i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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