can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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