Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
