Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
