I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
