FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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