i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
