I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
