I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
