He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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