Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
