You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
