i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
