there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
